Full of Grace
by Anya2
Summary: Post PotW The Doctor knows it is better this way...


**Title: **Full of Grace  
**Rating: **K+  
**Pairings: **Ten/Rose  
**Set: **Post PotW

**Author's Note:** The title is only due to the fact that one line of the song inspired this...

* * *

Walking purposefully into the walled garden, Jack stopped in his tracks immediately as he caught sight of the scene ahead of him. He froze for a moment, a little surprised and feeling as though he was intruding on something he shouldn't. Then he relaxed and smiled gently to himself. 

In the distance Rose was giggling and beaming, having the time of her life. She'd once mentioned to him that the Doctor had taken her to see the end of the world. That she had stood on a space station and watched as bits of their home planet had floated by following its destruction by the sun. She had admitted to him that she still thought about it sometimes, that it made her sad to think one day it would all be gone. Change, she pointed out, was always painful.

The analogy there wasn't lost on him.

But, as he had reminded her, change didn't mean you lost everything. Yes, change was inevitable. And it was often hard to deal with. But it was rarely ever totally destructive.

Sometimes it could even be good.

So here they were now, nearly one hundred thousand years after the final death of the Earth, and Rose was in the garden of the Grand Palace of Junta Krit playing happily with the pygmy elephants who appeared to have all the adorable enthusiasm of over-excited puppies. It was the Doctor's way of showing Rose that her home world didn't just vanish into the ether. That parts of it survived.

The king of Junta Krit was a personal friend of the Doctor and he had been most pleased to accommodate the Time Lord's young companion for the afternoon. He was a big enthusiast of classic Earth creatures and had amassed quite a collection of birds, mammals and reptiles over his lifetime. He had graciously allowed her the freedom to play with his prize possessions and had instructed his keepers to treat her well and with generosity. The four foot high elephants were not quite the same as the ones she had seen in London Zoo as a kid she reasoned but, as the Doctor pointed out, they were far easier to keep which is why the king had had his scientists do a little genetic manipulation to keep them this size. Besides, they were cuter this way.

Rose shrieked in delight as one of the animals splashed water at her from the shallow pool surrounding the white marble fountain, and the sound made Jack smile. It wasn't her that he was watching though. It was the Doctor. Sitting on a bench in the shade of a tree, a book loosely in his hand but his eyes fixed on the girl in question. There was a smile on his face, a fond, warm look that Jack realised was tainted with just the slightest hint of sadness however hard he tried to hide it.

Jack thoughtfully walked over and sat himself down on the bench next to him. The Doctor looked up and grinned briefly.

"So why aren't you out there joining in the fun?"

Jack grinned in return, "Are you kidding? Those things may be small but they're sturdy. She's gonna be covered in bruises tomorrow."

As if to demonstrate his point Rose near fell over as one of the elephants head butted her in the side, a none too gentle reminder that she wasn't scratching its tummy anymore. Not that Rose seemed to mind however as she giggled at the little thing and did as it requested.

The Doctor laughed slightly at the sight.

An air of tranquillity reigned for a few long minutes. The peace of the gardens was only broken by Rose's giggles and the elephants' small, rather sweet trumpeting noises. Jack's face was pointed towards Rose but his eyes kept glancing across to the Doctor, noting how he looked up every time she made a noise. At how he seemed to enjoy seeing her happy, even though it appeared to make him a feel strangely sad.

Eventually Jack turned towards the other man, learning forward and resting his arms on his own thighs in a seemingly casual manner.

"How different are you really?"

"Eh?"

"After each regeneration," Jack qualified, "How much of you really changes?"

The Doctor looked at him steadily for a short time. As though he had suspected this was going to be asked of him eventually, but that he hadn't thought it would be Jack doing the asking and so had to modify his well rehearsed answer in order to fit the situation.

"Not the important stuff," he explained after a long moment's thought, "Not what you humans would call the soul. I'm still me, if that's what you're wondering."

He smiled slightly as a thought crossed his mind.

"Same inside. Different wrapping, so to speak."

Jack grinned at that too.

"So what happens to the other guy then?" he continued after another pause, "To the old you?"

"Oh, he's still in here," the Doctor reassured with a nod, tapping at his head, "He's part of my memories now. Part of me."

Jack nodded thoughtfully and looked back at an oblivious Rose.

"Why do you ask?" the Doctor enquired shortly after.

Jack shrugged, "I dunno….Just curious I guess…..I mean you look different, sure. You talk different. And you don't dress like a U-Boat captain anymore…..But you haven't changed all that much. Not really."

The Doctor nodded, seemingly pleased at the other man's acceptance of him.

"And you're still madly in love with her," Jack added, nodding towards Rose.

He was fixed with a look of silent curiosity from the Doctor, mixed with a little surprise.

Jack smiled.

"I always said you guys were sweet," he chuckled, "You regenerate, you're supposed to be a different guy, but you're still crazy about her. I guess that must make you soul mates or something equally mushy, huh?"

He watched for the longest moment as the Doctor appeared to struggle with his response. He saw the quick glance at Rose, saw the way the other man's face lit up momentarily at the sight of her. And then he saw the mask slip firmly back into place as he pushed away whatever it was he was feeling.

"I'm not in love with Rose," he stated easily, as though he was brushing aside something ridiculous Jack had said, "I think you're confusing me with someone else."

Jack snorted a laugh.

"You haven't seen the way you look at her."

The Doctor raised a curious eyebrow.

"It's the same way he used to look at her," Jack explained, "When he thought she wasn't watching. Like she was the best and most beautiful thing in his universe…"

Jack snorted a laugh at the sentiment in that, wondering when he'd become such a sap. He really should stop letting Rose talk him into watching chick flicks with her. It was clearly affecting his brain.

"As I said," he finished, smiling at himself, "Sweet."

The Doctor met Jack's gaze, staring at him intently, trying to intimidate him like he did when he found a topic uncomfortable. Jack returned the look easily though, with simple, knowing truth on his face. To Jack's great surprise, the Time Lord did something he didn't expect at all. He backed down.

The Doctor visibly slumped as he shook his head, looking at his feet.

"It's not right, you know," he said, a mixture of annoyed frustration and pained confusion on his face, "I shouldn't feel like this. Not anymore. That was him. This is me. It's just not right."

He glanced up, staring achingly at the young woman.

"I thought they were just memories at first," he admitted in an uneven voice, "I thought they'd go away. That I was just confused after the regeneration. That I hadn't separated him from me properly yet….But it hasn't stopped…And I don't think it's going to."

He paused, staring into the distance, his face set in an expression that made Jack think that he was realising something for the first time. That he didn't understand it, and maybe didn't want to.

"I regenerated," he whispered hollowly, "But my feelings for Rose Tyler didn't change with me… Everything's wrong."

"Why don't you tell her?" Jack asked with gentle prodding, trying to get him to see that that really was the best thing to do for both of them. That there was nothing wrong with it. It was just love after all.

The Doctor shook his head, firm and adamant, snapping out of his silent reverie.

"I can't, Jack. She loved him, not me."

He sighed deeply at the thought.

"She's been so good about all this," he continued in an almost desperate manner, "About getting used to the difference and not hating me because of it. I won't turn round now and throw this at her. I can't. It wouldn't be fair."

"She's a strong girl, Doctor," Jack reassured, "She'll handle it. She'd wanna know."

"She might want to go home," he said with a fearful shake of his head, "She might hate me. I'd rather just have her as my friend than not have her here at all."

"Even when it's half killing you?"

"Don't be so melodramatic," he scoffed with derision, "I'm a Time Lord, Jack. Not some love sick teenager. I'll survive."

"I know," Jack said with a small nod, "I'm just wondering that if in your whole 900 odd years you've ever felt anything so strongly that it stayed with you after you regenerated…"

The Doctor's dark, pained gaze told him everything.

Jack shook his head in frustration.

"For god's sake tell her," he half pleaded.

"No," the Doctor said firmly, his face set, "I can't. Just look at her, Jack. When was the last time you saw her this happy?"

Jack shrugged uneasily, knowing what the Doctor was getting at and not liking it even though he had a point.

"I dunno," he said with a sigh, "Cardiff? Just after we dropped the egg off? Somewhere round then."

"Precisely," the Doctor pounced, "And every miserable feeling she has had since then was because of me."

"I think you'll find a shit load of Daleks may have had something to do with that too."

The Doctor continued, ignoring him, "What if I tell her now and in six months time something happens to me and I regenerate again? What if this is just a fluke and my next regeneration doesn't feel the same way? How can I put her through that?"

"And what if it's not six months time though?" Jack pointed out, desperate for him to reasonable, for him not to be such a damn martyr about this, "What if it's ten years? A hundred years?"

"I won't take the risk," the Doctor stated solemnly, shaking his head, "Not with her."

"So," Jack snapped back, clearly annoyed, "You're just gonna pretend that you aren't in love with her? That it doesn't matter? Do you really think you can just bury something like that?"

The Doctor didn't get angry in return nor defensive like Jack would have expected. He simply smiled gently and shrugged. Resigned to his decision. Willing to live with his fate.

Even though it was clear in his eyes that this was threatening to break him in two.

"It's better this way…" he said with a small sad nod.

He patted Jack reassuringly on one knee as he got up and went over to see Rose. She smiled broadly as she saw him, standing up and linking arms with him. Leaning into him fondly.

"No, Rose," the Doctor warned with a mock stern tone, "You can't keep one…"

Jack watched them sadly, seeing how happy they looked, knowing the pain they both still hid behind those smiles. Knowing that with the right words in the right ears he could help but that it wasn't his place to say it.

Still, Rose would figure out for herself eventually, he was sure of that. She was smart girl. He just hoped she had the courage to do something about it when she did.


End file.
